Raps to Rule Them All
by TolkienGirl
Summary: A wide range of characters-the Fellowship and more-give an account of their adventures, rap-style. Absolute nonsense; hopefully amusing; author's assurances that rhymes are clever, my precious. Read and review, if the mood takes you! (*All rights to their respective owners*) UPDATE: Bilbo's perspective on the first Hobbit film is now up! :)
1. Gandalf

**A/N: One day, a year ago, I got an inspiration to write raps for the Fellowship. It didn't stop there. Since then, I've added characters like Denethor, Gollum, Elrond, and Saruman to the list. Crazy, right? **

**As anyone who's read my other fanfics know, I tend to be a serious writer-lots of angst, lots of drama...careful attention to grammar, syntax, etc. (at least I hope!). So this is in a very different vein for me-raps for Lord of the Rings Characters! If you don't like this sort of humor/parody, don't bother reading. I'm only posting these for fun!**

**Disclaimer: I LOVE, respect, and appreciate Tolkien and his works. I've read the Silmarillion, The Hobbit, and LOTR, of course. I read the books before I watched the movies, and so on. In other words, I'm not *making fun* of the characters, just having fun with them because I love them so much!**

**Disclaimer (part the second): some of these are true to (movie) canon...others are colored by my own perspective. One of the quirks is that some characters are very anti-Frodo. Full disclosure? I'm not fond of Frodo. I kind of love to hate him :). So if you like him, don't be too offended if his intelligence, abilities, or his very existence is impugned by the most unlikely characters.**

**Disclaimer (part the third): some are better than others. Some have an uneven rhythm. Some have questionable rhymes. All of them are free of curse words. :)**

**Enjoy, read, favorite, review...I appreciate it all!**

**~Dedicated to my friend M.~**

**1. Gandalf**

Hey I'm a whiz yo, a whiz at wizardry,

I come with tidings, to cheer your misery.

I got a staff, y'all I wear a pointy hat,

And just to show that I'm all that,

My sword is Glamdring,

And my only stupid thing,

Was giving Frodo pow'r o'er the One Ring.


	2. Aragorn

**2. Aragorn**

Y'all I'm Aragorn, but you can call me Strider

I fought with sword and flame against a buncha black riders.

I'm pretty cool, yo, but a little insecure.

Cause I'ma worried that I'll be like Isildur

But if I get my crown, yo, I'll be one awesome King,

And unlike that dude Boromir, I don't need no Ring!


	3. Boromir

**3. Boromir **

Hey Shawty I'm from Gondor,

Ain't that something to ponder,

Y'all we got a tower, that gives us lots of power,

Cause we are cool, yo,

I blow a horn, so,

When I am in need,

I always succeed.

But this l'il ring, y'all,

It kinda made me fall.

And I don't know, yo,

I went with the flow, yo.


	4. Legolas

**A/N: This is kind of a joke between me and the friend for whom I wrote these...we love Legolas. So the fangirl snuck in a bit. :)**

**4.** **Legolas**

I take this seriously,

I rap imperiously,

I flip my blond hair,

And all the way to there,

These fangirls scream loud,

And I just look proud,

Cause I am that cool,

Yeah in a knife duel,

I move like lightning,

My speed is frightening,

But my real strength, yo,

Is in my longbow,

My arrows fly far,

They shine like bright stars.

And that feels right, y'all,

Cause I'm the best of all.


	5. Gimli

**A/N: Came up with this one at one in the morning ;)**

**5. Gimli**

I'm a dwarf, y'all,

And we live underground.

We delve in secret, our treasure never found.

You try to toss me, yo,

And I will kill you dead—

With one ax in your gut,

The other in yo head.


	6. Frodo

**A/N: I'm afraid this isn't very pro-Frodo. **

**6. Frodo**

Hi, I am Frodo, I don't know how to rap.

And anything that I say, will probably get me slapped.

I'm pretty selfish, yo, of my way I am fond,

But I can't do anything, without my servant Sam,

I like to talk to him, in tones both smug and solemn.

He was my best friend, but I preferred Gollum,

I know that Gandalf said I should pity it,

But to befriend it, yo? I was an idiot.

It took a long time, to prove how wrong I was,

It was a mess, yo, you see because,

I'm kind of pouty, when I don't get my way.

I would've kept the ring, if Gollum hadn't had a say,

He bit my finger off, and just when hope was lost,

Sam kind of saved me. It was his only fault.

**(Why did I rhyme Sam with fond? If you've ever heard Frodo say his name, you'll know why)**


	7. Sam

**A/N: Frodo-hating. Not canon. I won't apologize. :)**

**7. Sam**

I'm just a hobbit, yo, but I am pretty awesome

I like to cook, yo, a coney or a possum.

I live the simple life, just working in my garden,

But I did something, for which I beg your pardon.

I went with Frodo B, to destroy the One Ring,

But on the way there, I did some rocking things.

Yeah with my frying pan, I'm quite a fearsome fighter

And later on, yo, I killed a giant spider.

But what you don't know,

Is I hate Frodo,

Cause he's a jerk, yo,

Drove me berserk, yo

And after he was gone,

My cool life had begun.


	8. Merry

**8. Merry**

First of all, I am tall

Yo, Pippin is the Shawty

I tell y'all, I got it all,

I'm brave and bold, not haughty.

I love a simple life, yo,

With food and ale and weed,

But I also love my friends, so,

I help them in their need.

Pip and I are real close,

And Sam is awesome too,

But there is one dude that is false—

Yeah, Frodo isn't cool.


	9. Pippin

**9. Pippin**

Y'all I drink the town dry,

I don't even have to try,

Give me a pint of ale,

And listen to my tale.

I'm kind of foolish, y'all,

And Gandalf loves to call

Me a Fool of a Took,

All the way through the book.

But later on yo,

I changed some things, yo

I proved myself, y'all,

By growing real tall,

From drinking Ent juice

And being less obtuse.

I finally found my courage,

On that weird Elf-Queen's urge,

And then I fought brave,

And lots of people saved.


	10. Eomer

**10. Eomer**

Yo, I'm the Marshall of the Mark

I go forth and fear no dark.

Got banished, came back

Killed orcs by surprise attack.

Showed my uncle I was cool

Kicked some butt and broke the rules

Threw my spear and killed a dude

Rocked the field with attitude.


	11. Galadriel

**A/N: (Lovingly) anti-Celeborn bias**.

**11. Galadriel**

Galadriel.

Elf Queen.

Tales to tell.

Much have I seen.

I got a tree house

Which will kind of blow your mind

I got a husband

Who…well, that would not be kind

I got a magic ring

That only some can see

I got a crazy side

That makes a hobbit flee

Fear the future? See it clearer

In my creepy movie mirror

My eyebrows rival Elrond's,

I talk in people's heads,

I only failed at one thing—

Frodo is not dead


	12. Elrond

**Elrond**

War's upon us? I called a council

'Cause the Dark Lord's winning with a plan to trounce all

But he don't know about our little Rivendell

Last Homely House where the wise elves dwell

All these friends of old—well I say friends…

Coming together before the world ends

First comes this dude who don't wanna be King

Next this Gondorian who thinks he's getting the Ring

But they can't beat out the little halflings

Who all wanna go on this mission quest thing

Elves and dwarves and a wizard to boot

Making a ruckus like a First Age Entmoot

I'm just standing there looking cool

Sending eyebrow insults at these incompetent fools

Pretty soon things go from bad to worse,

I'm pretty sure that our chances are cursed

"One does simply walk into Mordor"

Says this dude who knows _nothing_ of ancient lore

Still when he gets riled up at the "Anti-King"

I just raise my eyebrows—I'm not arguing.

Cause that dude—Aragorn—is trying to date my daughter

Happily I'd send him to the field of slaughter

Beaming with pride as I watch them go out,

They'll never come back, I have no doubt.


	13. Denethor

**A/N: This might secretly be my favorite.**

**13. Denethor**

When it comes to fathers, I'm not number one

But I think I make up for it with my number one son

I gave him a horn and told him to blow

Sent him on a mission though he didn't want to go

But that doesn't matter, he'll make me proud

He's such leader, above all the crowd

But then he died, I spiraled into depression

Mulling over darkness and evil's progression

Did I mention my other son, Faramir?

When I thought he would die I didn't shed a tear

Sent him on a death march right after his arrival

Stuffed my face with food hoping, no chance for survival

Told a little hobbit to sing me a song

He tried to argue with me and I told him he was wrong

He got me back, sang about some pretty sad stuff

I finished my chicken and said "that's enough!"

Kinda changed my mind when my son came back

I felt as if the whole sky had just turned black

Oh, yeah, it had—that's right, war is a-coming

I called retreat—I _had_ to do something

For that, I know I have my fair share of haters

But hey, it's better to die sooner than later

Decided to watch my city burn down

Just so upstart Aragorn would never get the crown

But oh, wait, Gandalf already lighted the beacon

That wizard dude and I—we're really not speakin'

At least I will die within my own keep

Thus have I walked and thus now I sleep

Long procession, above battle on the causeway

I called them all fools 'cause they dying today

Decided we'd burn, but Faramir's already burning

Dark Lord's winning and the world keeps turning

Felt kind of guilty about my favoritism,

But we'll burn together—you know, symbolism

Waited to see that he was amazing

Until the pyre fire was already blazing


	14. Saruman

**14. Saruman**

This kind of rapping is for fools and not for me,

I, the great White Wizard, the real lord of Wizardry

With my seeing stone I can speak unto the world

Past, present, future, together are they swirled

Gandalf the Gray may think it a dangerous tool

But Gandalf the Gray is just Gandalf the Fool

My voice is deeper,

My tower steeper

Minions beneath me cower

My voice is filled with power

I forged a union with the Darkest of Lords

Made a new orc-breed and armed them with swords

Little did they know my magnificent plan

To find the One Ring and rule all the land

Gandalf the Gray and his eagle friend aside,

I'm really the one winning—by that I will abide

Master of cunning, ancient and wise

That I am awesome you may rightly surmise

Controlled half of Rohan—ignorant dupes

Angered some tree-giants…

Well…um…oops.


	15. Gollum-Smeagol

**Gollum**

Sometimes I am Gollum,

Sometimes I am Smeagol,

Sometimes I think about my poor cousin Deagol

We strangled him years ago, for, you see

He found the Precious and wouldn't give it to ME

But my birthday present, oh what a lovely thing it was—

And a very tricksy thing to its wearer it does

For many long ages we kept it in a cave,

Eating goblinses and fishes and being rather depraved

But then along came Bagginses and STOLE it from me

We hates the liar and the thief that he turned out to be!

We traveled far and wide, we did not know what to do

In the cold hard lands we met Bagginses number two

And he was kind to me, though he holds the Precious now

I will be their guide and we will get it back somehow

"He'll kill us!" said the fat one—oh, he's nasty and he's dim

We could only ask "what did we ever to do to him?"

Oh that's right, _we_ were tricksy and false

But I had to be, my precious, or the Precious would be lost!

Led them to the tunnel, where SHE always lurks

But the stupid fat hobbit made sure THAT didn't work

I fell down a cliff, rather sore—poor little me

When we got back up, the hobbitses were nowhere to be seen

Clever little hobbitses climbed _so_ high,

If they hurt the Precious then they surely must die

It only took a finger of the Master's for us to win,

Held the Precious—for a moment—and then Master pushed me in.


	16. Bilbo (Part I)

**A/N: And just when you thought I was done! I was intending to wait until all three Hobbit movies were out to write raps for the character ;) but then I got an inspiration and here is the result! **

****Bilbo-Part I

My name is Bilbo Baggins, though I am half a Took

I've had enough adventures to write myself a book

You might need a few mugs of ale

Because this is a long and cautionary tale

I was sitting on my lawn just enjoying a pipe

When an old dude shows up—not the Hobbiton type

I shoulda taken it as a warning

When he couldn't even deal with a simple "good morning"

Thought he was big stuff with his staff and pointy hat,

Told me I was going on an adventure just like that,

Next thing I know I got all these dwarves at my door

Thorin Fili Kili Dwalin Balin and more,

Tossing my dishes, bumping their noggins

Barging in and calling me Mr. Boggins

One minute they eating, burping and gurgling

The next they're telling me I'm an expert in burgling

Heard something 'bout a dragon and a lot of lost gold

A cool song about mountains misty, high and cold

Though it was crazy, I went on their adventure

Put up with ponies and insults and censure

I've been _this_ close to being roast mutton

Lost all but one of my shiny brass buttons

Found that wargs, orcs and goblins can give one quite a scare

But they're nowhere near as bad as facing Thorin's icy glare

I've traveled over hill and under hill,

Took a break at Rivendell,

Saw stone giants throwing rocks at each other

Kind of made friends with the two Durin brothers

Ran into this really creepy little guy

Who talked to himself and played riddle-or-die

Picked up a nifty golden ring along the way,

Souvenir or savior, it's too early to say

Decided that pine trees are really bad to climb,

Luckily the eagles saved us just in time

It's still early yet, to really define this,

But now I do believe the worst is behind us


	17. Theoden

**Wormtongue**

Hey, y'all, I'm kind of just a first-class creeper

My story's a bummer cause I got in a little deeper

Then I prolly should have—let me start at the beginning,

I had the king's mind in shambles, yeah, we was really winning

I was an inch away from getting the girl and the money,

But she ran away from me, called me a snake—it wasn't funny!

What did I ever do to her? We'd be so great together

I only killed her cousin—ruled her uncle—but whatever,

She was just upset—women really get that way

But I'll keep creepin on her—it will work for me one day!

As advisor I was sayin', "Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind,"

But that did not go over well with Eomer, the jerk who's next in line

Made the mistake of callin him a warmonger

He woulda choked me if he'd had a little longer

But I managed to control him, get him banished from the land

Showed him the king's signature, signed by a guided hand

Things were going awesomely, Saruman was set to go,

When Gandalf showed up—that darn herald of woe,

Woe for me at least, cause he was onto me at once

His friends beat up my men, and made me look like a dunce

He woke up the king, who nearly killed me—of course,

I got away to Saruman, who told me I stank of horse

He was in a good mood though, despite the ring of Barahir

"We're taking down Helm's Deep," he said, "They're the ones who have to fear"

"But my lord," I said, "An army such as that does not exist!"

He took me on the balcony and said "Well then what's this?"

I connived and planned and gave him some pretty clever clues,

I thought he'd do me right but his friendship was just a ruse,

That was clearly shown when Rohan ended up victorious,

And then it didn't help that our fires were notorious

For burning up some trees who had some crazy tree-like friends,

Who breaking, killing, crushing on Orthanc did descend

Our final showdown was with Gandalf and Theoden

Saruman argued, yelled, and then said I was less then men

Stabbed him in the back, and got an arrow in my chest

Not a happy ending, yo, now that I will confess

Here's a lesson for you: I didn't get the last laugh

So for your future reference, bro—TAKE THE WIZARD'S STAFF

**A/N: More absolute silliness. Hope you enjoyed it! :D**


	18. Wormtongue

**Théoden**

I was sitting in my throne basically chillin'

But a wizard, it turns out, with lies my brain was fillin'

I started getting old and tired, I couldn't even budge,

My adviser made me sign things by giving my hand a nudge

Banished my own nephew, didn't care about my son

Listened to the whispers of the one they call Wormtongue

Until one day Old Gray Beard shows up,

Decided it was his job to tell me what was what.

He say, "Wormtongue calls himself yo friend when he's a counterfeit

You've gotten played, yo, and I'm here to snap you out of it

You looking at a state where affairs are pretty exigent,

But instead of bein' King you sat around just bein' negligent!

Get outta that chair, put your hand on yo sword,

Be a king again—wait, don't kill him, my lord!

Oh, your son is dead—that I kind of forgot to mention

But there is something else that needs your pressing attention,

Wizard's coming at you because he know your kingdom's lax—

Imma get yo nephew!" then he was gone on Shadowfax

That ranger-King-whatever dude won't leave me alone,

Bustin' through my doors when I thought that he was gone!

He's all "hey, you got to protect all those people you forsook!"

I just said, "Theoden, not Aragorn was king the last I looked."

He replied that Saruman had an army of ten thousand,

I said "What do you expect me to do about it?"

He suggested getting help to make it all a bit less somber

All I could say was, "Hey! Where the heck was Gondor?"

When the Westfold lot was falling

When for aid my peeps were calling!

Finally we decided that we needed to work together,

So that the Uruk-hai onslaught could actually be weathered

When Gandalf the White and Eomer returned,

No longer with the safety of my people was I concerned,

After an interview with Saruman, his death, our celebration

Was interrupted by a seeing stone—oh what an irritation!

Gandalf took the Hobbit with him to Gondorland,

When we saw the beacons lighted I began to understand,

War was far from over—in fact it had just begun,

Aragorn went on a quest to make sure that it was won,

I rallied my troops and camped them out at Dunharrow

Saw the red sun rising and knew it was my last tomorrow,

Against the orcs and trolls and the oliphants we charged,

I thought that there was victory till the Nazgul was at large,

Snowmane had a freakout and fell on me before the beast,

The fell voice spoke and ordered it upon my flesh to feast,

A brave young soldier came along and did their king defend,

They slew the nazgul and the beast, and so made such an end,

But when they came to my side I saw and knew their face,

Eowyn, my niece, who will now fight in my place

My body may be broken, but it's ok just the same,

For in my fathers' presence I need now not be ashamed


End file.
